The Ultimate: Couple Dialogue

Monthly couple dialogue--what's the big deal?  We dialogue all the time, how hard can this be?  Is it even necessary?  These were questions we had before we really stepped into our first scheduled dialogue night.  Then, like everything else that's important to marriage but we still never do, we were totally surprised at how difficult it was and how it opened up doors that we never expected could be opened.

     We went to a pier that night that overlooked a lake behind our friend's house, and we sat on the porch swing there.  We had been praying that week about what we should discuss, and I had some ideas.  There were some issues that we struggled to communicate openly about, though it was hard to pinpoint why, and though I knew it would be difficult, I figured that night was the only time we might be able to really talk it out.  

     It was harder  to stay on topic than we thought it would be.  We brought some food and drinks out there to make it special, and it was easy to want to talk about the food, the kids, or other things that kept us from really diving in, though we both wanted to take advantage of the time we had.  However, we persevered, and because we had scheduled about three hours, it gave us the excuse to keep going and not settle for pulling up short at our usual stopping points.  We were able to continue asking questions and sharing hurts, confusions, gratitude, and joys despite the vulnerability we were experiencing and the possibilities of negative reactions.  

     It's amazing that when a difficult topic is discussed outside of the context in which it usually arises, after a week of prayerful preparation, and when there's no one and nothing else demanding our attention, the walls between us don't seem so high and we don't feel the need to protect ourselves so much. 

     I never felt closer to Kate than I did after that first dialogue, and we've been pretty steady about accomplishing them once a month since then.  We've discovered just a few things along the way that may help:

1. It doesn't work in a restaurant.  Interruptions from the waiter/waitress and distractions all around make it tough to focus on each other and really dig deep and stay deep.  We tried it twice, just because we really wanted it to work!  No such luck, though we did find that the complete opposite circumstances are perfect: we sat out on a public boat dock where there was no one and nothing around, not even any chairs to sit in, just a concrete platform jutting out over the water.  We were broke at the time, so we didn't even get our usualy exciting food to bring out there.  That might have been our best one.

2. If we don't schedule it, it's extremely difficult to find the time.  And, it keeps us from being able to spend the week prayerfully preparing.  This happens often, unfortunately.  We notice that the month is almost up, and we still haven't done it, so we scramble for a babysitter for that nightand we waste the first hour trying to calm our thoughts and figure out what's been going on in the depths of our hearts, and the next hour trying to figure out how to say it in a way that the other will understand.  So, it's definitely better than not doing it, but it's pretty exhausting, and obviously not near as fruitful.

3. If we let God run the show, it's amazing what we can accomplish in just a couple of hours.  Starting with Adoration, Mass, or Confession is probably the best possible way to begin a dialogue night.  It's amazing what can be accomplished in a shorter period of time after taking advantage of God's presence and power.

4. It's not a date night.  Date nights are necessary because they provide a chance to let loose and enjoy one another's company in a fun, playful context.  This is extremely important for intimacy.  A dialogue night is different.  Instead of letting loose and resting our minds and hearts together, we focus on the deep stirrings of our minds and hearts to reveal ourselves to one another.  It's a different kind of intimacy, and it won't happen without intentional effort.

     So, we will continue to try to schedule our dialogue nights ahead of time, guard them with our lives, and keep fighting the good fight to acheive the unity that God promises us.  We know with deep certainty that He will accomplish in us more than we can ask or imagine  if we give Him, and each other, the time.