"The couple who prays together..." Easier said than done.

We've all heard that "the couple who prays together, stays together," and it sounds like such an easy fix to such a huge problem. You pray together with your spouse, you don't get divorced. Done deal. And, it's actually true. It's been studied that couples who pray together on a daily basis experience a less than 1% divorce rate (actually reported as 1 in 1,105). And, this "couple prayer" is usually nothing more than just a few minutes of informal, shared prayer together. So, why are so many couples, even holy, churchgoing couples still experiencing difficulties and divorce? Because, for the most part, even though we believe praying together with our spouses is important, it's much easier said than done.

Ultimately, couple prayer is allowing your spouse to "eavesdrop" on your conversation with God. This leaves you really vulnerable: they'll know how bad you are at prayer, they'll know your weaknesses when you ask God for help, they'll hear what moves you and what doesn't, what you're truly grateful for and what you're really not. For most of us, though deep down we have a general desire for intense intimacy with our spouse, to know and be known at the deepest level, the steps to getting there are not so attractive.

In all marriages, each spouse carries into the relationship a certain level of self-preservation, and this continues to develop over time as expectations are not met, etc. We feel we must protect our heart of hearts from the possibility of being either hurt or neglected by the other. If we've ever tried praying seriously as an individual, then we've already experienced taking this same sort of risk in our relationship with God. This is probably one of the reasons why we struggle to find the time during the day for any prayer at all. It takes so much effort, and it calls us to such vulnerability! So, why should we expect that finding time for couple prayer would be any easier?

Kate and I often find ourselves lying down at the end of the day, knowing that we haven't prayed together yet, but convincing ourselves that we're just too tired and it's just not a good time. I'm not too tired, however, for chit-chatting with her about the kids or for reading another chapter in my book, but couple prayer just seems to be a mountain I don't have the energy to climb. We've thought about doing it earlier in the day, when we're not so tired, but it's no more attractive two hours before bed, in the morning before work, or when we see each other at lunch tan it is right before checking out for the day. Sleepiness or full schedules can no longer be excuses.

It's hard to enter in where vulnerability reigns and focus is required, and the fruits of all that effort are in the hands of a God who responds on His on time in His own way. However, it becomes pretty clear that all that anxiety and negativity are the work of the one who would like us to steer clear of any meaningful prayer or real intimacy, especially after we finally muster up the courage to just do it. Once couple prayer begins, the ease, the peace, the closeness, and the consolation usually take over pretty quickly. (Small exception: the first week a couple tries to do this may be defined by a little more awkwardness and anxiety, but it doesn't take long to "get good at it.") Once you get going, it's usually easy to spend more than just a few minutes digging deeper into gratitude, desires of the heart, and the presence of both the other and The Other.

It's amazing how much more quickly and clearly God responds to couple prayer. I think it's because the prayers we offer out loud in the presence of our spouses are so much more real than those that tend to get caught in our subjective mess of thoughts and feelings when we're alone. It's more of a risk, too, since it is witnessed by another; if our prayer doesn't get answered, our disappointment and feelings of being inadequate at praying are known by the other, too. Most importantly, however, our relationship with God, and ultimately our salvation, doesn't happen in a bubble. The graces and gifts we receive from Him are given with the reality of our being a married person at the forefront of His mind. If you're wondering where your marriage and your being married falls on God's priority list, next time you're in Adoration, ask Him. Ask Him what He most wants you to pray for and where He most wants you to focus your passion, your energy, and your time. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find that your marriage is more important and central to Him than it is to you, and that He's ready and willing to make it truly awesome. This is what makes couple prayer so powerful, and hard, and worth every ounce of effort.